I wish I could walk a straight path From where I am to where I'll be But winds and storms, they had their say And I ended up by the sea I walked and walked the sandy shores In search of another face One who walked a path like mine And hopefully at a similar pace My path was desolate, empty and bleak Not another soul I came across I went where the winds carried me My loneliness was my loss Up and down I went, hither and thither Often two steps backward lost, I wondered why it must be so My insides turned and tossed In my search for a path to follow, Or footsteps I could pursue I didn't notice how far I'd come Or the path I'd forged anew A path made of my own mistakes My trials and my tribulations As messy and winding it may have been It was a path of my own creation I walked it alone as I started And lonesome, I walk it now For no one has ever been me before That, nature simply cannot allow I set out wishing a straight path And now I'm thankful for it all The twists and turns, the ups and downs They're my own and now I stand tall
Year: 2021
To expect or not
Expectation is the thief of joy. It is the root of all heartache. Some well-known people came up with these quotes and with good reason, I have learned. But it is so easy to expect, is it not?
How that interview will go? How an exam will go? How that date will go?
We tend to attach expectations to many parts of our lives. It becomes an involuntary reflex at one point. We unconsciously weave our expectations into our minds and conversations. And why? Simply because we wish for things to go our way.
We want that job, that high grade, that good night kiss.
It’s entirely human and I don’t fault anyone for expecting a certain outcome. But, I must concur that it does often lead to heartache. It is a simple truth we choose to ignore. That we expect something, and we might just get something else. The heartache comes when we pin all our hopes on something working out. When the possibility of it not going our way is too painful to bear. Have you ever held such unrealistic expectations of yourself? Or of someone else? How did that go?
To me, it sounds like such a burden. To pray for a certain path and be in fear and dread of another, with no way of knowing which you’ll have to take. And that sorrowful statement raises the question: to expect or not?
I favor the latter. Don’t expect. To get that job. To get that grade. Or to get that good night kiss.
Try having faith instead.
Try believing that whatever the outcome is, things will work out for you. No matter which path you are forced to take, you will find your way. Faith has carried me through some of the hardest moments of my life. I knew things could easily go wrong, so I had faith that no matter what happened, I’d still make it. That I’d still be standing at the end of the day, ready to face the next.
I am not preaching religion here. I am not much for religion myself. This can be something entirely different. This can replace the dread of an outcome with the assurance of recovery. It is simply, the hope that everything happens for a reason. And that whether we can understand it or not; whether we can appreciate it or not; it is leading us through our journey.
Faith is not easy. You may still be put down by what falls in your hands. But faith provides a way forward. More than anything, it brings peace. Imagine a life where whatever is to come tomorrow doesn’t bother you today. You are at peace with yourself because it will be alright. You can appreciate today for all it holds. And you will find your way through tomorrow, regardless of what it has in store for you.
Like I said, try having faith!
Lost and found
Today, I am thinking about the lives we lead, and why we lead them the way we do.
Some of us are luckier than others. We have people around us who give advice, guide us and show us the path forward. They tell us stories of what’s happened to them and others they know. They steer us or rather ask us to steer in the paths they feel are safe and logical. They see it as them doing us a service or maybe just making sure we don’t lose our way. Or even lose ourselves in our poor decisions.
As good as that sounds, is that for the best? How do you define whether something is “for the best”? By whose definition? Theirs or yours?
Being confused about the way forward is natural. We all face cross-roads and sometimes there’s paths leading every which way. In such moments, it’s hard to face those decisions alone and we wish we had someone to tell us what to do. Because let’s face it. No one likes making the wrong decision. You end up wasting time, money and sometimes hurting people in the process. Even yourself.
It then seems logical that you should make the right choice as often as you can. But, every now and then, you might find yourself at a point where what should seem right & logical doesn’t feel right. What do you do then? How do you deny logic and good sense? How do you talk yourself out of a step that makes sense? Would you even try to?
I don’t know. I wish I did.
We all struggle to find ourselves. Bits and pieces come together over the years to form a complete person. Like a puzzle of sorts. And every now and then, you find a perfect piece that would fit you well. Like that perfectly symmetrical corner piece that makes you feel a step closer to finishing the puzzle. But, what if your final shape wasn’t meant to be the perfect square that puzzle makers advertise? What if your corner piece is a star or a cube or a pyramid? How many of us muster the courage to ignore the logically sound corner piece and go with something else?
Here’s a scary thought. If finding yourself is the goal, then surely losing yourself is a part of that journey.
There’s nothing logical about losing yourself. The world and the people around you will not be compassionate as you do so. Chances are they will try and fix you. They may point at and criticize others who have been lost a long time. They will show you perfect puzzle people who look like they have it all. And you may choose to let someone hold your hand and take you along the “right” way. There is no shame in that. But I cannot promise that there will be no regret. That will be up to you.
Losing yourself to find yourself is a terrifying prospect. For me personally, the scary part isn’t whether I will be able to find myself. It’s whether I will have the courage to allow myself to be lost in the first place. To spend time figuring out what shape of puzzle piece I am.
That is what I must face. And it terrifies me.
Pensive 