Year: 2025

There is light

Harkrishan1 Comment

Recently, I think more and more about how well I know myself. There’s the easily discernable – I like warm earthy colours, being out in the sun too long gives me headaches, I like reading Harry Potter over and over again.

But then there’s what lies deeper.

Some days I feel purposeful. I wake up and I know what the day will be. I know how I will shape it and it surprises me… feeling this way. Mostly, because I know it doesn’t always feel this way. But I like how it feels. Like my mind suddenly decided to grow up. Like life will be easy now because an inner me finally knows what he wants and what’s right. The feeling passes but maybe one day, it’ll come and stay forever.

At the bookstore, I judge books by how lengthy they are. The longer the better. Not sure when, but a while ago, I subconsciously decided that books must pose a challenge. I push myself and I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel superior when I actually finish it. In the sense, that if I’d picked a smaller book, it wouldn’t be as much of an achievement. Likely comes from my early low self-esteem years. I needed to prove to myself that I was worth the good things I’d been given in life. Didn’t change the outcome of my actions so much, but definitely changed how much work I put in. Something I’ll carry forever I think. I’m reading the Stormlight Archives right now and those books are BIG. But finishing the first one was so fulfilling, like the view at the top of the mountain. So now I’m halfway through the second.

I feel overtly seen somedays and blissfully invisible on others. During university, there were times when I was walking somewhere, and I thought that everyone who drove by was looking at me. They were looking at how I walked, what I was wearing and somehow they knew my insecurities. So I tried to walk as if I belonged. To what… I don’t know. Maybe it was because I didn’t drive back then, but knowing what I know now about how little I ponder about random pedestrians – that was self-imposed judgement. A blurry mental image of being or looking “right” and regardless of what that may be, I did not feel “right”. The days I felt invisible were rare but amazing. Invisible can sound bad – like you’re not seen. I mean untouchable and purposeful. Those days felt like I could do no wrong. That it didn’t matter if someone looked or didn’t. Others’ presence around me was irrelevant. I saw everyone and myself and there was nothing wrong. It wasn’t happiness or bliss; it was relief and silence.

I have this recurring thought of what happens after I have gone to my rest. Of everything I will not be here to see. As a child, it used to terrify me. The fact that the world would go on… without me. That I have known people who lived and are no more. It took me a long time to deal with that. But accepting that inevitability, has shaped my actions and decisions. I make it a point to randomly tell my loved ones, that I appreciate them. I never want those I appreciate to ever doubt if I did, after I’m gone.

There is so much more to me. And I believe it is important to know myself better as time passes.

Do you believe in souls?

I find that knowing myself better – is about being at one with my soul. In a brief existence, with an unknown after, meaning must be found in the during. Every day I live, there is some meaning to be found. And while I have not reached a state where I remember this everyday, I like to think that I’m moving towards it. I picture a day when I am completely at peace with myself. And every day spent arranging myself to get ther, is a day well spent.

I know what it feels like to live in pretence. To act to be someone you are not. Living lies is no way to live and it is regretful that I’ve only discovered this in hindsight. I think of all the time I spent trying to be someone else. But there was some purpose to it all. There can be no light without darkness.

But now there is light. It will flicker. And one day, it will go out.

But till then, there is time in which to understand yourself. Time in which to find more of what matters. Time to carry yourself as you are. Time to stand strong against the winds of lost voices that seek to guide others.

There is time. There is light.

And there is the deep comfort of being warmed by our own light.

Save yourself

HarkrishanLeave a comment

I’m going to do something very different today. If you’ve been reading my work in the past, you have some idea of what I write about. You know it’s usually introspections or lessons from life. Today, it’s a cautionary tale.

Most days and most posts, I’m just hoping what I write helps someone a little. Today, I’m hoping you actually listen to me.

It is about social media. And how things have gone too far.

I’ll start off by saying that I am completely off Instagram & Facebook. I left Tiktok years ago. That is it. I’m cut off and have been for some months now. A few months ago, I found myself increasingly scrolling through reels and shorts, sometimes for multiple hours a day. It was small chunks here and there – and there was always some funny or interesting post/reel that I would send friends hoping they would either laugh or be amazed as I was. That was the innocent bit, I used to tell myself.

What I didn’t tell myself, what most of these apps and algorithms are incapable of telling you… Is what a mind-numbing drain they are on our attention spans and our ability to actually perceive the world around us. Most people on social media have become incapable of keeping achievements or life events to themselves. Posting content lets hundreds of people instantly find out exactly what’s going on in your life, regardless of whether you’re close to them all or not.

Having a peaceful day by a lake or being out on a walk is no longer enough, until our followers on Instagram know that we’re having a peaceful day. Some can’t enjoy a day out without wondering what the best picture is that encapsulates just how great a day it was. And if you’re telling yourself that you don’t think so much about it, and just post whatever comes to mind, that’s even worse. Because you’re mindlessly conforming. Doing something because either it’s what you’ve always done or because it’s what everyone does.

Maybe you do it mindfully or for your job or you have a positive attitude towards social media and have your usage well in check. Well, I don’t know what that’s like.

The point being, our life and the joy it brings us doesn’t seem enough until we’ve posted about it. A good day isn’t a good day till everyone who follows us knows it was a good day. I think about all the useful advice and interesting content on the occasional reel or short. I considered starting a new account so the algorithm would recognized my interests and filter out the garbage. But I’ve decided against that. I don’t believe that you should have to consciously filter out the vast and ever increasing amount of useless content out there, just to stumble across the occasional helpful bit of content.

What was the last time you watched an hour-long documentary or talk on a topic that genuinely interests you? Maybe I’m being a pessimist, but if you have, I’d say you’re beating the odds. I feel as if most brains have been rewired to not care about anything spanning over 2 minutes or less. If someone sends you a 15 minute video, even on a topic that you care about, how often do you set 15 minutes aside to watch it? Now compare it with the last time you spent 15 minutes just scrolling, and whether you’re consciously decided to do that. Or whether it was just muscle memory and little hits of content lasting 10-30 seconds, doing their job of shorting out your attention span. Because that’s genuinely what it’s doing.

Here’s where it gets scarier for me. In the world of Big Tech and social media and algorithms and now artificial intelligence, no corporation or tech leader, is unaware of this. And yet no one will ever pull back. We are constantly plunging into a deeper and deeper pit where they want to know more about you, so they can refine your experiences. Because more user engagement is more money for them. The deeper they have their algorithmic hooks into you, the more time you “enjoy” spending on their platforms, the better for them. And saying something that’s more judgmental than I think I’ve ever been, all people get out of it is distracting them from their own lives. Tiktok trends like someone “spitting on that thang” becomes something that lingers on millions of users devices for months. I mean we’ve done some pretty stupid things in human history. Most of them in the last 500 years. But more and more in the last 5 years.

The over dependence and overuse of these platforms and the content they offer, is pushing entire generations into altered behaviors and ever-changing new social standards. A child who isn’t on social media today is the pariah because they wouldn’t get half the references that kids around would be making. If you’re not on social media, dinner conversation about the latest trends is just you nodding while other people talk enthusiastically about it. Children are incapable of making memories that aren’t associated with the most popular trends. Children are incapable of being bored. Occupying their lives with never-ending content is short circuiting their development.

And how many people are cautioning children about the internet? How many kids genuinely learn that it can affect their personality? How many would be willing to give it up? To give up their perceived idea of social standing to actually experience the world the way it is; not the way some billion dollar industry thinks it should be.

Take advertisements. Almost every platform that serves content makes money because sellers want their products advertised. They make more money from consumers who pay extra not to see those ads. I was watching a movie on Prime the other day and it said “this movie is brought to you with limited interruptions” and it was just one more straw in how oblivious we’ve become. “Limited interruptions?” As compared to what? Just unlimitedly interrupting a service I’m ALREADY paying for. Imagine if your barber said $25 for the haircut. And $30 if you didn’t want limited interruptions where they tell you about their banks amazing credit card benefits every 10 minutes. The fact that some accept this as part of life and move on staggers me.

And if you made it this far and are thinking, well this guy’s obviously thinking too much and needs to just relax. I can tell you that I was relaxed for too long. And then I realized, that being numb to this constantly changing online world is not the same as being relaxed.

Being relaxed is knowing that when I travel, the only people who need to know about it are the ones who care to ask or reach out regularly. Doesn’t matter that it’s four or five people. To me, being relaxed is knowing that regardless of whatever schemes some billionaire cooks up in their living room tomorrow, I’m out. It relaxes me to that when the world is out there walking with AI glasses on their noses paying to not have virtual advertisements pop in front of their face, I’ll be shaking my head because there’s a very small chance what I’m writing today will change anyone’s mind.

It’s been a long time since I’ve cared about something so much to be vocal about it. Someday I might have a family and a young person that I’m responsible for. I am resisting against industries that have poured billions of dollars into keeping us hooked to their platforms. But I truly believe in the negative impact they have on society, especially on young minds.

I used to think about what legacies meant. What carries on after you’re gone. Now I sincerely hope to be forgotten by all except a handful. Because the polarity and size of the internet guarantee that nothing meaningful will ever come from it.

I hope to limit my interactions to the physical world. I hope to teach my child someday that their value and true meaning comes from their acts in the physical world. That there is enough out there they can touch and mould. That their minds weren’t made to be constantly distracted but rather utilized. That it will be hard to be different and to stick out. But hopefully they know moments of peace and calm that so many have unknowingly given up on.

Because every time someone refreshes their screen, there is something new to pull them away from themselves. I’m scared but hopeful. And I hope I changed your mind today. If not, maybe I’ll write more. Maybe you’ll come back and re-read this. Regardless, you are the only person that can save yourself.

Godspeed.

Believe

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Do you believe you are alive?

Does the breath that has passed through you since your first moment convince you? Or is it your heart beating—fast now, slow again? Your legs that carry you places? Your mind that takes you further still? Is it in every particle that shapes the world around you? In the scent of those who smell like home? Or are you just walking through life, unaware of how alive you truly are?

I get it. You are on your way somewhere—a place, a goal, a bank balance. There is no time to look around, let alone look inwards. The cycle of doing what must be done leaves you exhausted. You do the work, and then you make up for it. You chase comfort. Or maybe you avoid feeling anything at all, and ironically, that feels restful. Your eyes and thumbs keep working while your mind disconnects—worn down by what life is and what you wish it could be.

But I write now to remind you that there is more. Hidden in every moment, there is a possibility of transcendence—of elevation. An internal leap of awareness that will leave you wondering why you don’t live on this cloud in every moment.

Your mind can open—to the world around you and the one within. To sort through your thoughts and feelings, to see them in the light of awareness. To feel self-doubt and sit with it, until your heart and mind show you the way to what is right for you. These are not feats of the human soul that require years in a cave or on a mountain. Those paths may lead to a different kind of peace—I wouldn’t know.

But I do know this: I live a full life. And with every passing day, there is a need that grows within me. A need to transcend.

There is always a trigger that pushes me over the edge. A piece of music or writing. A conversation that feels unburdening. Even the simple act of organizing a space, then sitting in it—light, airy—having brought some order to a world in disarray. And then, once it comes over me, I am taken.

The transcendence is like stepping outside of myself, watching myself at peace. There is a quiet music. It is not a perfect moment—those do not exist. There is doubt. There is fragility. I wonder if I am making it all up, if my insecurities are right. But there is space in transcendence—for doubt, for fear. For darkness, but also for light. For peace, for quiet. For your senses to rise and fall like a heartbeat. There is so much that can be felt in those moments. Or nothing at all, if that is what you need. You can watch thoughts go by like ships from a harbor—powerless to stop them, yet feeling no need to.

And the minutes and hours in which I experience these feelings—these are why I believe there is a purpose to our creation. There is too much meaning for it all to mean nothing. Just because that meaning must be found, nurtured, and believed in does not mean it does not exist.

We could be amorphous blobs in the universe. But we aren’t.
We could be inanimate. But we aren’t.

We were not, until we were. Born of those before us, given hearts and minds that can feel, imagine, dream. And one day, we will be put to rest. But between those two points, there is so much more to who we are.

That is why I believe.

This belief does not need to be shared to be sustained. It is a blanket against all those who arm themselves with logic and seek to steal meaning from lives that don’t resemble their own. It is a comfort in knowing that not everything must be understood, measured, or quantified. Our existence is meant to be felt, not calculated.

The transcendence will pass. I will return to doing what is necessary—unpleasant or unfulfilling as it may be. But this bright corner of my existence will remain open, waiting for me to find it again. And what else do we live for?

You may answer—for our loved ones, for our passions, our dreams. And true enough. But when you truly feel fulfilled and content by any of these—when you look at the person you love, or your children, or the work that gives you joy—do you not feel that quiet music? Do you not smile, stepping outside of the rush of the world? Do you not feel that moment stretching beyond time, showing you the beauty in what you have been given?

Do you not feel that there is more?

I think you do.

You see the extraordinary in the ordinary, and for a moment, you are outside the world, holding on to a sense that cannot be explained (as much as I may try).

That is what we live for. You and me, I think. And that is my backbone for belief.

There is more meaning to our creation than we might ever uncover.

But there is meaning.

Bask in it every chance you can.