Category: Introspection

We’re neither rocks nor sticks

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A while ago, in my COVID internet scrolling cycle, I came across an analogy – We often take harm and hurt from unkind words that call us names or try to tell us who we are. In those moments, think of rocks and sticks – someone that yells at a rock to hurt its feelings will never make the rock feel bad. It is quite sure that it is a rock and will only ever be a rock.

A tad over-explained and poorly paraphrased by me, I’m sure. But the TL;DR version would be – Know who you are and it won’t let anything anyone else says to the contrary hurt you.

Well, we’re neither rocks nor sticks.

The belief of rocks and sticks in their own being, I am sad to say, is not the same found in us human beings. We are often found crumbling, and a snide comment about us can be enough to send our inner Jenga blocks falling to the ground as some truly nasty people celebrate seeing us lying in the wreck I’m sure.

We aren’t designed to take on every blow and not see the welts they leave. And some painful words linger, long after the mouths that spoke them have forgotten. Those are the ones etched in the inside of our skulls. The ones that, every now and then, keep us up at night before we finally figure out how to leave them in the past where they belong.

When it comes to self-assurance; to being conscious of your efforts to change; building self confidence – there is no autopilot. No system that will let your mind wander as it safely guides you through.

We are left with a singular tool, albeit a powerful one – belief.

Everytime the world lashes out to try and put you in your place, believe in your efforts to be better and grow in meaningful ways. Let your inner growth outshine the outer criticisms that arise from the crowds. And again, there is no autopilot when it comes to belief. You cannot say, “I believe” and never think about it again.

Believing in yourself must happen again and again. A conscious effort that offsets you from all the hurt and pain coming your way. A wall that shields you. A Patronus, if you will. And once you become good at knowing who you are, at recognizing and honoring your self – you will find that you haven’t become a rock or a stick that cannot be hurt. No, you will instead be a conscious being that sees. Truly sees.

Sees the path ahead, leading out, into the light.

In believing in yourself, there is a world out there – yet to be shaped but right there at the horizon. Waiting for you to come claim it as your own. A world comprising of the right people around you, a good mindset to hold you, belief in your self like gas in the tank, and hopefully rocks and sticks in your garden to remind you that you are quite different from them.

They have their own journeys, I am sure!

Meant to be

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When I look back at how I’ve changed, sometimes it’s hard to look beyond what I’ve lost since then. University, believe it or not, was a time of hope for me. It was a time of possibility and despite living in a small city, nothing felt out of grasp. I did everything I wanted to. 

Now don’t go expecting my list of things to stagger you, but I used to leave the house on a whim but have no idea where I was headed, just to clear my head. I would call a friend I hadn’t heard from in a few days. I would walk all the way to a bridge just so I could read by the water for an hour or so. And I took great advantage of discounts on beer at a nearby roadhouse. 

I took a chance on people, made friends, had some fallouts and every day, I took the bus to school with a different mood. I walked the same trail with about six people on different occasions because it was the only one I could walk to from my house never having owned a car. I read so much and I don’t mean school readings. These were more self-assigned, if you catch my drift. I used to work on my mental health through some intermittent counselling when I needed to screw my head on straight.

And I spoke. I was part of a Toastmasters club and I like to think that I spoke my heart out.

But so much has changed now and to highlight all the ways in which I abandoned the person I used would make for painful writing. Like most of you, I’ve picked up a few demons along the path to adulthood. They might be the same ones you have. I dread Mondays. I worry about money. I haven’t finished a book in weeks. And my writing has been scattered, to say the least. And I go on a walk by myself maybe once in a fortnight and there haven’t been many bridges.

It all sounds so bleak, and I’ll be honest, it feels that way too. To leave some parts of you behind and wonder if they were the best parts of you.

“You do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do” – is perhaps a sound description of adulthood. But a fatal flaw I’ve found is that doing what I have to do leaves me so tired and aching that I no longer spend much time doing what I want to do.

But I thought of an exercise where I would ask that person I stopped being for advice. And channeling myself from a different, possibly pre-covid age, I would reply – “Of the many things we do, there are some that we are truly meant to do. Our selves are sewn into the fabric of existence because some books need reading, some paths need walking and some people need believing in. There is no grand purpose, except the one where you find your way back to doing the things you were always meant to do. And should you stray from these acts, you recognize that you are lost and try to find your way back. Try and try again because being yourself is and will always be your most important act on Earth”

Despite the changes I’ve made in adulthood, that past-self still exists within me. Unburdened by everything I carry now, he had had some life changing advice under his sleeve. He just didn’t know he’d need to give it to himself down the road.

It is no longer as easy to walk to a bridge and read. But I will try. And when I find a bridge I will sit by the water and read. And passers-by will see a bearded young man reading by the water and have no idea that they are looking at a small part of the universe correcting itself to what it was always meant to be.

A win

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If we’re lucky, we have some loved ones. People we rely on or those that care about us. And it’s a good feeling.

On some days, though, I’m dealing with a deep unrest inside of me. And those go-to relationships don’t seem like the beacons of support they usually are. Because I feel incapable of reaching out to them. 

It is a strange feeling that takes me occasionally and it feels that way tonight. This post is my attempt at a solution.

My writing has always been a very personal outlet. I’ve not often been able to write on topics people recommend I explore. No matter how intriguing or cogent, the words do not flow until I have thought about it myself. But, back to it. I write tonight to tackle that feeling of unrest by occupying myself with an activity for which I do not need another person. 

And the relief I feel as I write this reminds me – it is so important to have a space that consists of just you. Whether it’s an activity, a certain ambient environment. A space that consists of just you is familiar. It is uncomplicated. I sincerely hope you have a space like that. And if not, think about what it might be. 

My space consists of Harry Potter audiobooks, a playlist of The Last of Us 2 game soundtrack and walks. Physically, I prefer to be by myself when I am in my space. That is not to say I want to escape interactions. It’s like sleep. It’s a form of rest and it can’t be done while your mind is half here and half there. 

A yet harder step is to recognize the need to access your space. I’ve had many occasions where I have instead resorted to just putting something on TV I’m barely watching while scrolling on my phone. Or making a huge plate of food that I will not feel good after. I find myself jumping from one activity to another not gaining any semblance of content out of them. And that leads to self-doubt. Why can’t I get enjoyment out of these? What’s wrong with me?

The road you take to make yourself feel whole takes work to define. And it takes more work to consciously choose that road over others again and again. I am happy with my choice tonight.

After a long day, I will take this win.