Category: Introspection

Boundaries pt.2

Harkrishan1 Comment

I am thinking about boundaries again. Especially how to approach them from outside, that is, how to behave around someone’s boundaries.

Respect. By accepting the boundaries someone builds, you show that you have respect for them; and for the behaviour they accept around them. It is then your choice to either abide by their wishes or simply limit your communication with them. Believe it or not, these are both healthy choices. What is unhealthy is to probe, poke and guilt people over their boundaries.

Why are you being this way?; I thought we were closer than this; Surely this doesn’t apply to me; I know you said this wasn’t okay but I hope you don’t mind…

None of these are helpful to the person trying to establish a certain way of life. Consider this, we already associate boundaries to be culturally sensitive or when someone is going through something tragic. You wouldn’t joke with someone about an accident or make fun of their culture (I hope). Boundaries are similar. They are guidelines anyone is allowed to set around themselves to remove draining or inappropriate behaviours.

Clarification. If you truly wish to be close to someone, you need to ask how close is alright. Often times, the person setting the boundaries isn’t clear about them. Then it is up to you to ask them what is acceptable and what is not. The difference this little step makes cannot be overestimated. You may just help them realize and actualize their thoughts!

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about ______. Are you comfortable talking about it?; Is it okay if we talk about this?

And these do not have to be recurring everyday questions that strain relationships. Ask someone to clarify their boundaries and have a conversation. That lays a path forward for you both. What they need and what you can provide laid bare. This is not a promise of alignment, rather a clear view of how you can communicate in the future.

Honestly, it can be frustrating or even scary when someone puts up boundaries. Especially when you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong. Try and remember then that we’re all human. Sometimes it takes people a while to figure out what is and isn’t acceptable to them. They’re not laughing and celebrating as they create this distance between them and others. This is an ordeal for most people.

Be human in accepting boundaries.

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously" 
- Prentis Hemphill

Boundaries

HarkrishanLeave a comment

Today, I am thinking about boundaries.

As someone who is open and friendly, setting boundaries was a difficult prospect for me. It sounded like locking a gate and stopping people from entering my life. Or even adding unnecessary distance that would only make things more difficult. Things are much clearer now. And I realize just how much I need them.

Boundaries are most difficult in happy and easy-going relationships. Because of all the happiness and the easy-going attitude. We begin to settle into what feels familiar and anything that emerges is labelled as the “byproduct of a happy relationship”. Despite arguments and disagreements, we may not acknowledge any discomfort that comes up. Because if the relationship is one full of love and happiness, why would there be discomfort? Well, because love is blind and happiness is relative.

And discomfort sneaks in when we forget these two key points.

Love is a powerful emotion. But it is not an entirely positive one. It extends from wanting the best for someone and having deep affection for them. But, often this is misinterpreted. Often, some fail to understand the distinction between wanting the best for someone and knowing what’s best for someone. They influence and direct (out of love, of course) their loved ones into paths they think lead to happiness. Or at least to their idea of happiness.

That is a point where boundaries are necessary. They are not an “I’m right and everyone else is wrong” zone where no one is allowed. They are a way of life that advertise the behaviours we are willing to accept around us.

This is not a caution to the wind approach. I am not advocating hasty and irresponsible life decisions. This is not about rejecting all advice, comments or opinions that differ from yours. Boundaries can take different kinds of shapes. The volumes at which you choose to have discussions. Whether or not a topic is open for discussion. The time you need to yourself. The type of language you prefer being used around you.

I see boundaries as defining the behaviours we accept around us. If someone’s actions don’t align with our boundaries, we don’t need to categorize them as “wrong”. Just as “wrong for us”. They do not need to understand our boundaries, merely to acknowledge and respect them. And we owe them the same for any boundaries they have.

Today, I am thinking about boundaries. And how they translate to self-care.

Own the experience

Harkrishan1 Comment

Today, I am thinking about our experiences, especially those that make us happy or fulfilled or make us feel connected. This experience could be a new restaurent, a trip somewhere or even your culture.

Some experiences we are born into, like those around us or our environment. These, we we have little control over. At least until we are old enough to start venturing outwards to what feels right or exciting or promising. We reach out and embrace new experiences for all they could hold for us. They could range from life-changing to meh. Ironically, sometimes a walk, a meal or a conversation can be life-changing and travel can be just meh. Depends on you, I suppose.

The joy or sadness we get out of an experience is our own, but it is all too natural to want to share it with someone. I sometimes read a book and immediately wish there was someone else who had read it too. We could talk about the characters, the themes and so much more. But, that’s me. You might like talking about travel, or your past semester or an upcoming milestone. The same extends to negative experiences. The hurt we take from those also feels better when it’s shared.

All in all, it feels pretty good to share both positive and negative experiences. But what do you do when you can’t?

Some people may choose to ignore, invalidate or dishonour your experiences, perhaps unintentionally. They simply might not agree with you. They may just be having a bad day. Or perhaps the emotion of your experience isn’t all that important to them. Whether done out of spite or unknowingly, it can hurt all the same.

In those times, I think it’s comforting to take refuge in our experiences and what they mean for us. The fact that we cannot share our stories does not diminish what they meant for us. It is simply a single avenue that may be closed off to us, but others exist. I like to write about my experiences. Some people scrapbook. Others simply reminisce over cups of tea.

Your experiences are your own. If I tried to explain why I choose to be spiritual or what it means to me, it could be exhausting for you to listen. But it is MY experience which means I can find solace in it like nobody else can. I find that to be a comforting thought. That while sharing is a happy act, a lack of it doesn’t invalidate what I take from any experience.

I invite you to honor your experiences, what they meant to you, what you took from them and carry them in whichever way you choose to. Own you experiences, even if sharing them is not always an option!