Category: Passion

Lost and found

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Today, I am thinking about the lives we lead, and why we lead them the way we do.

Some of us are luckier than others. We have people around us who give advice, guide us and show us the path forward. They tell us stories of what’s happened to them and others they know. They steer us or rather ask us to steer in the paths they feel are safe and logical. They see it as them doing us a service or maybe just making sure we don’t lose our way. Or even lose ourselves in our poor decisions.

As good as that sounds, is that for the best? How do you define whether something is “for the best”? By whose definition? Theirs or yours?

Being confused about the way forward is natural. We all face cross-roads and sometimes there’s paths leading every which way. In such moments, it’s hard to face those decisions alone and we wish we had someone to tell us what to do. Because let’s face it. No one likes making the wrong decision. You end up wasting time, money and sometimes hurting people in the process. Even yourself.

It then seems logical that you should make the right choice as often as you can. But, every now and then, you might find yourself at a point where what should seem right & logical doesn’t feel right. What do you do then? How do you deny logic and good sense? How do you talk yourself out of a step that makes sense? Would you even try to?

I don’t know. I wish I did.

We all struggle to find ourselves. Bits and pieces come together over the years to form a complete person. Like a puzzle of sorts. And every now and then, you find a perfect piece that would fit you well. Like that perfectly symmetrical corner piece that makes you feel a step closer to finishing the puzzle. But, what if your final shape wasn’t meant to be the perfect square that puzzle makers advertise? What if your corner piece is a star or a cube or a pyramid? How many of us muster the courage to ignore the logically sound corner piece and go with something else?

Here’s a scary thought. If finding yourself is the goal, then surely losing yourself is a part of that journey.

There’s nothing logical about losing yourself. The world and the people around you will not be compassionate as you do so. Chances are they will try and fix you. They may point at and criticize others who have been lost a long time. They will show you perfect puzzle people who look like they have it all. And you may choose to let someone hold your hand and take you along the “right” way. There is no shame in that. But I cannot promise that there will be no regret. That will be up to you.

Losing yourself to find yourself is a terrifying prospect. For me personally, the scary part isn’t whether I will be able to find myself. It’s whether I will have the courage to allow myself to be lost in the first place. To spend time figuring out what shape of puzzle piece I am.

That is what I must face. And it terrifies me.

My doctor

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This is a personal one. And a long one.

Today, my sister finished 6 years of medical school. That’s nearly 50,000 hours. For the more than half a decade, I have called her countless times to find her either in class or in the library or studying way past my bedtime. As the older sibling, she was also assigned the duty of handling her baby brother’s tantrums and rants about how engineering is hard and the world is unfair and how he procrastinated all day. And somehow, she managed to make me feel better about all of it. Truth be told, she didn’t have to be a doctor to fix whatever I was going through.

Textbooks bigger than my arms and chemical terms longer than my full name. Her field has always seemed so daunting, especially since the only medical experience I have comes from House MD. We would often enjoy fun late night Q&A sesh’s where she would ask me complex questions and I’d give the most ridiculous answers you have ever heard. In those moments of laughter, I was happy I could share just a bit of the heavy burden she carries on her back.

We were sent to boarding school at a very young age. We only had one another to cope as we prepared for a life of living away from our parents and eventually, from each other as well. As a cool pre-teen, I never fully appreciated the role she played even then. No one wants someone watching over you and taking care of you at that age. But you need it. And I did. At the end of the day, I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be alright. That we’d see our parents soon. That cuts and injuries healed over eventually. That I was a good person no matter what. More than a decade since we were in boarding school together and she still does all of that. Whenever I need it. Every single time.

As incredible as completing medical school is, it’s still not the most remarkable thing I’ve seen her do. She was the third parent. She was the backbone to my parents as I snored blissfully in the back. I honestly don’t think I’d have made it this far without her.

But enough about her. As a brother there’s only so many nice things you can say about a sibling. She gets nothing but jokes about her face for the next few weeks. But for today, my congratulations to her and the people she graduates with. They go on to become the healers we need so desperately in the coming years. I wish her and all of them the best of times ahead.

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

Gandhi

Fly with it

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Have you ever loved to do something? I mean beyond a sense of “its good for me” or “it’s a popular practise”. No matter how common or rare it is. Just you. Your passion for it. And stolen moments between work and school when you dedicate time to it. I wonder what it is for you? For me, it is to speak and write.

As broad as that is, I have always loved taking inspiration from the world and writing it down and talking about it. Sadly, like most of you I lead a full life and sometimes I stray away from my passions into days of books and other baggage. But then there are periods like the current situation outside creates when I get time to go back to these interests. And that is when I truly come out of my shell. I find that we’re all not good at many things. Things we fail at miserably perhaps. You could just be terrible at a course but then do incredible workouts at the gym. You could be bad at working out at the gym but then go home and make an incredible covers for songs. I fail at both singing and working out and then I come home and write down what I learn in hopes of learning something from my days.

I learnt from reading some books over and over again that words when moulded and brought together in the right ways can touch hearts, change minds, and move worlds. And that’s what I want to do when I write or speak. I think we all try to add to the world with our passions. And it shows. When a musician puts their heart and soul into the music. When the teacher breaks down a concept to its foundations. When a doctor works a 48 hour shift. How do you do things that most people can’t unless you truly find peace and joy in the act? You don’t.

And now to why I wrote this post. I want to ask something of you. When you find this, fly with it. Don’t stay grounded with your interests. Experiment. Take risks. Look stupid. Give it time. For every post I publish, I add another five to my drafts. Simply because I like writing doesn’t make me good at it. But it does make me want to be better at it. So I try again and again. Because the day I give up on this, I lose a great part of what makes me, me.

So I ask of you. No matter what, stick with it. And fly with it.