Category: Personal

Lost and found

Harkrishan1 Comment

Today, I am thinking about the lives we lead, and why we lead them the way we do.

Some of us are luckier than others. We have people around us who give advice, guide us and show us the path forward. They tell us stories of what’s happened to them and others they know. They steer us or rather ask us to steer in the paths they feel are safe and logical. They see it as them doing us a service or maybe just making sure we don’t lose our way. Or even lose ourselves in our poor decisions.

As good as that sounds, is that for the best? How do you define whether something is “for the best”? By whose definition? Theirs or yours?

Being confused about the way forward is natural. We all face cross-roads and sometimes there’s paths leading every which way. In such moments, it’s hard to face those decisions alone and we wish we had someone to tell us what to do. Because let’s face it. No one likes making the wrong decision. You end up wasting time, money and sometimes hurting people in the process. Even yourself.

It then seems logical that you should make the right choice as often as you can. But, every now and then, you might find yourself at a point where what should seem right & logical doesn’t feel right. What do you do then? How do you deny logic and good sense? How do you talk yourself out of a step that makes sense? Would you even try to?

I don’t know. I wish I did.

We all struggle to find ourselves. Bits and pieces come together over the years to form a complete person. Like a puzzle of sorts. And every now and then, you find a perfect piece that would fit you well. Like that perfectly symmetrical corner piece that makes you feel a step closer to finishing the puzzle. But, what if your final shape wasn’t meant to be the perfect square that puzzle makers advertise? What if your corner piece is a star or a cube or a pyramid? How many of us muster the courage to ignore the logically sound corner piece and go with something else?

Here’s a scary thought. If finding yourself is the goal, then surely losing yourself is a part of that journey.

There’s nothing logical about losing yourself. The world and the people around you will not be compassionate as you do so. Chances are they will try and fix you. They may point at and criticize others who have been lost a long time. They will show you perfect puzzle people who look like they have it all. And you may choose to let someone hold your hand and take you along the “right” way. There is no shame in that. But I cannot promise that there will be no regret. That will be up to you.

Losing yourself to find yourself is a terrifying prospect. For me personally, the scary part isn’t whether I will be able to find myself. It’s whether I will have the courage to allow myself to be lost in the first place. To spend time figuring out what shape of puzzle piece I am.

That is what I must face. And it terrifies me.

Let them down

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I have always wanted to help. Or to be the person that could help anytime, all the time. It’s felt right most of my life. But, I am that person no longer.

For the longest time, I thought that I could be there for everyone. It seemed like if you were a good person, you’d never turn someone away. You would contort and shift things around and find a way to get things done for them. A favour for a friend; a chore for the family; helping a colleague. I never thought to draw a limit because it felt unnatural.

All this stemmed from a young age where I lacked support. Not love, but support. I grew up in an environment where learning to live independently was intermingled with isolation. Leave them be and they’ll figure it out – was the mindset. And what choice did I have but to figure it out on my own. I learnt things the hard way and in those moments, I believed that it was all for the best. As a kid, my natural instincts were to trust the adults and consider myself as the source of all negativity. So, I kept on pushing and pushing all by myself.

Our experiences shape us all and I’m no exception. I did not ever wish for anyone to feel that way again. So, I considered myself charged with the responsibility of being there for others. I wasn’t good at it all the time, but I constantly wished I was. And so I pushed and I pushed and some days, I collapsed under the burden of this mindset.

But, I am that person no longer.

As of these few months, I am learning to let people down. I am learning to say “no.”

My values about helping someone in need haven’t disappeared. However, now I turn to myself and ask, “Am I capable of providing help in this moment?”. Wishing you could help doesn’t mean you can. And promising help when you know you cannot; may provide you with instant gratification but, in the long run, it simply isn’t sustainable. You end up letting people down anyways. We have to make peace with letting people down. Not as a first resort, but as a result of considering your current state.

You may surprise people when you say no. They may be shocked that after all this time you are putting your foot down. Do not let that faze you. This is a boundary and an important one at that. Some people around us get used to us being malleable. To us shifting our priorities to achieve their goals. It’s one thing to lend a hand and another, to be continuously unhappy or inconvenienced by things that people ask of you. Learn to let them down.

The world often praises those who lived all their lives for others, but that’s not my path. I’ve learnt that when you give someone a hand to pull them up, you gotta make sure you have the strength to get them up. Otherwise, you both end up on the floor.

What is so right for them, could be all wrong for you. What they need, you will not always have. And who they want you to be, might just not be who you are.

End well

Harkrishan2 Comments

Have you ever left something incomplete? How do you walk away when you’re giving up on something or more importantly, someone?

Let’s start at the start. I get really excited at the start of new things. Like buying a new notebook and having no idea what you’re gonna write in it. Or meeting someone and the first few minutes of conversation going really well. It’s this small feeling that arises which foretells good times ahead. By now, I know that it doesn’t always pan out that way but I can’t help getting that feeling. Or maybe I want to feel it. Who doesn’t reach for scraps of contentment and assurances that good things are to come?

And then there’s the process itself. The next day comes. More conversations ensue. And you start filling in that notebook with something. Maybe your thoughts or a calendar or artwork. And the process brings with it so much – good moments, unsure moments and those dreaded “do I really want to do this?” moments. These are the ones that often lead to us deciding that the process is not worth it. We overthink things. We panic. We tell ourselves it was never that big of a deal. And then one of two things happens. You either stick with it and see where it takes you. Or you leave it behind and walk away.

Here, I mean to make my message clear – Notebooks and projects can’t feel it when you give up on them. People do.

When you walk away from someone, how do you do it?

I’ve seen my fair share of people walking away from me, for many reasons. In the hurt caused by them doing so, the reason becomes irrelevant. But whether they mention the reason makes all the difference in the world. Today’s social norms are incredibly ignorant of common courtesies. It’s all too normal to start something, lead someone on and the minute you feel unsure, back out without any warning or explanation.

It’s entirely possible you see this as a harmless way of saving yourself pain in explaining why you’re giving up. Perhaps you’ve chosen the most irrational or illogical of reasons. Or perhaps it was really important for you to walk away. But, the one you leave behind has no way of knowing this. They are left doubting themselves, their words and their actions towards you. They aren’t crippled or devastated by this, but it does have a lasting effect. Eventually, they start to perceive the world differently.

They trust differently. They judge differently. They see differently.

Is saving yourself a short conversation really worth this? Must we really be so self-occupied?

I have a friend who is one of the best people I’ve ever known. And as I talked about this with them, I see what it can do to people. I see what it did to me when one of my closest friends chose to walk away. And it’s not something I wish upon those I care about or anyone really.

So if you find yourself in a place where you need to give up. I ask you to find the strength to say you’re done. And if you can muster it, say why you’re leaving. End well.

It’s a person you’re walking away from, not a notebook you’re throwing into a drawer because what you wrote on the first page wasn’t picture perfect. It rarely ever is.

End well.