Category: Personal

Mortem

Harkrishan3 Comments

I write with a somber note. Today, my thoughts are turned to all those who have lost someone. And to those they lost.

It is a harrowing matter to consider and many would not wish to write about it. Why relive a moment in which you felt like your world would never be the same again? Why talk about it when it is perhaps the most pain you felt in a long time? But I am a writer. When something bothers me, I put it to words. I take away its hold on me in the only way I know how.

I remember a night from when I was 10 years old. I was tossing and turning in bed until a thought shook me awake. I walked over to my parents room and sat at the foot of their bed. I sat there for hours thinking about only one thing – “Someday, I would lose them. On that day, it’d be just me against the world with no one to turn to for advice. And no one to clean up the messes I made.” After a few hours, I forgot all about it and went on with my day. But, I’d be lying if I said that I do not think about that night quite often.

To contemplate the end of a life is hard. To live through it even more so. But, it is perhaps one of the few things we do know with absolute certainty. There is so much we love to predict. Right from the weather to stock markets around the world. So much of our life revolves around predicting but we often look away from this one certain fact – The people around us will pass on someday and so will we.

But, what do we know about what comes after death? No offense to any religious beliefs, but what do we really know? Who amongst us can truly predict what comes after? Not a single soul that still walks and breathes on this earth can foretell the journey of one that has crossed over. I find solace in this lack of knowledge. I would like to believe that a better world awaits. That it is simply a door to the next life. Perhaps the night here is somewhere else a dawn.

Another thought that comforts me is about what death gives us, rather than what it takes away. In a way, it is what love roots from. We love and hold close those we love because we know that they must leave someday. Imagine wishing an eternal life for one you love. Is it truly a fate you would inflict on someone? Or would you rather that you never have to see them pass but they must deal with your loss in their time?

In the end, death is what gives meaning to our time on earth. That those who come after us, remember our days and what we made of them. They remember how we lived and words we spoke and the acts we performed.

It is, therefore, up to us. Both in how we live through the time that is given us; and in how we remember those who have passed.

All this makes me think – the age old words, “Life is a journey, not a destination” are incredibly apt.

Change

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I used to think – “I don’t want to change.”

I liked myself as a kid. I liked being a kid. No responsibilities, care-free days and mostly, home-cooked meals. But then I grew up and went off to school in Canada. The world around me changed – the place, the people and the food. And I had to change with it. But, I told myself that I hadn’t really changed. That when I went back home, everyone would still recognize me as the same old brother or son or friend. It was scary to think that something would change me and someone close to me wouldn’t recognize me anymore.

Over the past year, I have been working on myself. On my behaviours, my routine, my inner thoughts and how they manifest in my conversations and interactions with people. I am also being mindful of my healing processes. There is much that has happened against what seemed like the flow of the world. We are changing what’s normal and in doing so, we’re trying to figure out what our new flow is and how it all works, But I am not writing about COVID today. I am writing about change.

As I aim to transform myself into a more mindful individual, more questions about change come up.

Am I changing too much? Will I become too different? Do I want to change?

After some thought, here is what I’ve come up with. The idea behind taking up healthier practises and trying to be more mindful is to improve your way of life as a person. Since I’ve started meditating, I find myself going into the rest of my day with a clear(er) head. Reflections allow me to evaluate my conversations with people. And of course, introspecting about difficult days and hurtful conversations helps me understand how and why I approach things.

Often times, we think of healing as a process that takes us back to our original state. But consider this. If you have ever worked through a difficult period in your life and consider yourself healed, are you back to your original unhurt state? Can you ever go back to the point where that hurt or trauma had never entered in your life? No. You carry the hurt and the recovery forward with you and it shapes you.

Some say change is a constant. It will occur whether you want it to or not. COVID was a big change but if it hadn’t occurred smaller changes would still happen everyday. As I invoke certain practises in my daily routines, I bring about change. This is not inflicted change, rather it is controlled change. Change of my own making, so to say. I choose to bring about positive changes by taking baby steps towards meditation and mindfulness.

I also think of the worldly changes that happen in our lives. The ones we can’t control. Like friends who choose to stop reaching back or family members who make selfish decisions. When your school shifts online and you suddenly have to change everything about your mode of learning. When you find yourself feeling silly for having put so much into a one-sided relationship. All these are changes we don’t control. And I have found that when I experience these un-controllable situations, my personal changes come to the rescue.

Meditation, mindfulness and reflections help me find the way forward by looking inward. These changes that I choose to bring to my life, work to balance the uncontrolled ones that are flung at me. And that answers my questions. I change a little bit every day but I control the real change in my life. I give it direction and allow it to take me where I would like to go.

So, no, I am not changing too much. And, yes, I will become different but from the changes of my own making. And most importantly, yes I do wish to change. I wish to grow and find new ways to live a more mindful life. I’ve answered my own questions, and I’d like to ask you one as I conclude this post,

If change is a constant, wouldn’t you rather it fundamentally came from within you?

P.S. I hope you all stay safe. Wear masks in public areas. Check up on friends and family. Take care of yourselves folks!

What I give

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Our lives are full of giving and taking, but today I have an urge to write about the former.

What is it that you give? To others but more importantly, to yourself.

The past month has been trying, to say the least. I am balancing school, my passions and am trying to stay stable during the isolation. It’s also been a year since I’ve been home and I have no idea when I’m heading back. When will I even feel safe enough to do so? School is all different. It’s just sitting at my desk all day clicking one Zoom meeting link after the other. Then I video call home and its another screen. And when I attend my weekly Toastmasters (public speaking) clubs, its just more screen time.

Over the past few weeks, it’s been consistently below -10 outside and it’s made me not want to go for walks. Midterm season is here and there’s lesser and lesser time to read and introspect. I feel that, slowly, these months are taking away all the good/comfortable things that help me cope.

I am still trying my best to give to others. To give them my attention when they call or text, or to help when I can. Be it listening to what’s going on with them or to offer whatever support I am capable of in that moment. I am trying but it feels like I can’t give like I used to. Or it just takes more and more strength to stay the way I was.

That’s where I turn to what I give myself. And it’s what’s keeping me afloat. Maybe the only thing keeping me going.

It’s the smallest things, to be honest. Listening to podcasts for 3 hours straight. Adding an hour or two of sleep during the day between classes. Sometimes leaving an 80 minute lecture when there’s 10 minutes left but I feel done with it. Reading the Mockingjay when I should be studying. Listening to the same three songs over and over again.

Beyond these physical changes, I’m constantly reminding myself that this is a rough time for a lot of people, so it’s alright to feel this way. It’s alright to not conquer every moment. That the goal is to get through all this and come out on the other side still standing.

As of right now, things that make me feel better in the moment, are important.

The question is “What do I need to give myself right now?”

And whatever the answer is – rest, silence, a conversation with someone, a trip to the grocery to just pick up snacks – I move towards it. While this may sound like it, it isn’t a lifestyle of avoiding hard or unpleasant things like studying. Rather, they help me find the strength I need to deal with the difficult and challenging aspects of everyday.

I’m trying to show up for myself. To listen inwards.