Tag: growth

Pick your battles

HarkrishanLeave a comment

Have you ever been in the shower or on your commute and imagined having a perfect argument? One where you make such sound and perfect arguments that the other person is struck speechless. For any young readers, I mean an argument that would be unanimously declared “savage” by your peers.

Well, I’ve done those before. Day dreamed of that perfect combination of words that change minds, moods and mindsets.

Sadly, I must inform you that those are only dreams. Reality is not the flavour you expect it to be. As I grow up, I find that I wake up with a finite and often startlingly little amount of energy. This is spent on dogs, work, conversations, reminding myself I don’t need more tech (for now) and finally, time with loved ones. The last one is what I try and save most of it for, to be honest.

Now, on any given day there’s quite a few opportunities for me to engage in ‘winnable” situations – mostly things like what show to watch, or whether we should watch the new Deadpool movie, do the dogs need another accessory, do we really need to go to that dinner. The more serious ones I won’t name but all relationships suffer from those moments where the other takes a position that you don’t agree with.

The more serious moments can be frustrating. In my experience, those moments where someone cannot share your viewpoint is like standing at the edge of steep hill when you cannot see the bottom.

You can jump into a conversation or you can walk away.

I’ve known both kinds of people. Those who rarely engage and those who have commandeered entire meals to make sure they prove their viewpoint to be the only one worth having.

Honestly, you gotta pick your battles.

I respect someone who stands up for what they believe in, but when the food is getting cold and you’ve scrolled most of Netflix trying not to watch what your partner wants to watch – that battle is no longer worth winning. Put on their movie and eat your dinner. You’ll be done in ten minutes, anyways.

It is the naive mindset that tries to win every situation because their worth is linked to how correct everyone else thinks they are. Or yet worse, it is linked to how wrong they can prove others.

To know when it is not worth it, is a skill I hope you all work on. To spare yourself the effort of explaining yourself to one who will not understand. Avoid wielding logic in a situation spurned by emotion. Run from those who sink low to win, lest you find yourself sinking lower. And in the face of blatant ignorance and blind belief, nod or better yet, stay silent. To avoid starting some battles, is a victory in itself, I have learned.

In many ways, I link this to self-care. Care about your self enough to know when to engage, when to step back and if you’re like me, when to send a long letter explaining how you feel so you can’t be interrupted by those incapable of listening.

In no time, we’ll all end up veterans of those small everyday battles. Scarred from the wrong ones, glad for the right ones, and happy about the times we picked peace over pride.

Growth isn’t linear

Harkrishan2 Comments 
I wish I could walk a straight path
From where I am to where I'll be
But winds and storms, they had their say
And I ended up by the sea

I walked and walked the sandy shores
In search of another face
One who walked a path like mine
And hopefully at a similar pace

My path was desolate, empty and bleak
Not another soul I came across
I went where the winds carried me
My loneliness was my loss

Up and down I went, hither and thither
Often two steps backward lost,
I wondered why it must be so
My insides turned and tossed

In my search for a path to follow,
Or footsteps I could pursue
I didn't notice how far I'd come
Or the path I'd forged anew

A path made of my own mistakes
My trials and my tribulations
As messy and winding it may have been
It was a path of my own creation

I walked it alone as I started
And lonesome, I walk it now
For no one has ever been me before
That, nature simply cannot allow

I set out wishing a straight path
And now I'm thankful for it all
The twists and turns, the ups and downs
They're my own and now I stand tall

Let them down

HarkrishanLeave a comment

I have always wanted to help. Or to be the person that could help anytime, all the time. It’s felt right most of my life. But, I am that person no longer.

For the longest time, I thought that I could be there for everyone. It seemed like if you were a good person, you’d never turn someone away. You would contort and shift things around and find a way to get things done for them. A favour for a friend; a chore for the family; helping a colleague. I never thought to draw a limit because it felt unnatural.

All this stemmed from a young age where I lacked support. Not love, but support. I grew up in an environment where learning to live independently was intermingled with isolation. Leave them be and they’ll figure it out – was the mindset. And what choice did I have but to figure it out on my own. I learnt things the hard way and in those moments, I believed that it was all for the best. As a kid, my natural instincts were to trust the adults and consider myself as the source of all negativity. So, I kept on pushing and pushing all by myself.

Our experiences shape us all and I’m no exception. I did not ever wish for anyone to feel that way again. So, I considered myself charged with the responsibility of being there for others. I wasn’t good at it all the time, but I constantly wished I was. And so I pushed and I pushed and some days, I collapsed under the burden of this mindset.

But, I am that person no longer.

As of these few months, I am learning to let people down. I am learning to say “no.”

My values about helping someone in need haven’t disappeared. However, now I turn to myself and ask, “Am I capable of providing help in this moment?”. Wishing you could help doesn’t mean you can. And promising help when you know you cannot; may provide you with instant gratification but, in the long run, it simply isn’t sustainable. You end up letting people down anyways. We have to make peace with letting people down. Not as a first resort, but as a result of considering your current state.

You may surprise people when you say no. They may be shocked that after all this time you are putting your foot down. Do not let that faze you. This is a boundary and an important one at that. Some people around us get used to us being malleable. To us shifting our priorities to achieve their goals. It’s one thing to lend a hand and another, to be continuously unhappy or inconvenienced by things that people ask of you. Learn to let them down.

The world often praises those who lived all their lives for others, but that’s not my path. I’ve learnt that when you give someone a hand to pull them up, you gotta make sure you have the strength to get them up. Otherwise, you both end up on the floor.

What is so right for them, could be all wrong for you. What they need, you will not always have. And who they want you to be, might just not be who you are.