A lot has changed. In the time it takes me to write this, more will have changed. It’s been awhile since I’ve had an urge to write, but if I do not write this down, I will collapse internally.

I can think of days not long ago when evenings meant you were done with school, and it was time to go outside and meet friends. There were rarely any agendas. You would just meet up and wander sometimes. I don’t remember the conversations, but I do remember the freedom. I also remember the simplicity of it all. There was no urgent need, only a human one that was fulfilled day by day. There were tears, anger, but also laughter and a feeling like there was nothing we couldn’t do. 

Soon after, I started posting on Facebook. I felt the urge to be funny because more reactions, more LOLs, more engagement felt like the goal. I would look up jokes and funny one-liners and hoped that they might elevate my standing amongst an imagined group of online friends and relatives. Like people were waiting to read what I wrote and judge me and had nothing else going on.

In university, I tried Snapchat. It was new and interesting. Messages disappearing. Random moments taken as photos and added to your story. Like the person across campus needed to know that you were bored in a class. Then there were streaks. Share photos everyday and feel accomplished but don’t miss a day because then all your imagined accomplishments are revealed to have only ever been imaginary. Bits and data that made you feel happy. It wasn’t enough to enjoy a coffee; it had to serve a higher purpose. I too was part of it. Had a streak that lasted almost 4 months and then traveling across time zones and inability to access the internet messed it up. I remember calling Snapchat and trying to get them to fix it. At the moment it felt so important. Now it doesn’t.

Then Facebook stopped being cool and Instagram was the new thing. TikTok, Instagram and even apps like YouTube started to feature short form content. Watch something for 10 seconds to 30 seconds and go to the next and then the next. An unending stream of content that would let you drown in it, if you couldn’t check yourself. Photos, hashtags, reels or shorts became the new way. If you had something to say, put it in a reel. Dance to it. Add the latest song. Get someone trending to share it. At some point, for many, many people it became the norm. Like something on Instagram? Make your feed look like it. Always drive social engagement further. More likes, more shares, more comments. Pay to become verified. Like digging ourselves deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole.

I was never much on Twitter but I heard enough about it. Before you could tweet things, now there’s X. Thousands and thousands of bots. Just algorithms punching out text, retweeting things, shifting and molding opinions all over the place.

It was a scary thought that you could have had a conversation over the Internet, and had no way to know that there was an actual human on the other side.

And now, AI. ChatGPT, Gemini, Co-pilot, Deepseek, picture and video generators that can create almost anything you can think of. Language models filling gaps in knowledge but also mimicking human behavior. Try typing – “I’m having a bad day. Can you be a supportive friend” in Chat GPT? You’ll have an amazing conversation, it’ll feel like talking to a therapist. Even though it will openly claim that it cannot provide therapy. Throw any dilemma at it and you’ll get a well-tailored response in the tone you want. I’ve tried it out. You can ask it to act like an angry friend who wants you to get off the couch and start working out. It can take on the personality and manner of a video game character who motivates you to go into work every day. We are just starting out and already, the capabilities feel limitless.

I often experience this phenomenon and I’m curious if any of you do as well. The apps I most use are Instagram, YouTube and sometimes Facebook. I’ll find that I’ve spent the last 20 minutes just scrolling, and I need to do something else. So I’ll close the app. Move around somewhere else on the phone. And then just open it right back up as a reflex. Like muscle memory. Those are scary moments. No one is watching and no one is going to condemn me for reopening Instagram but somehow I feel conditioned to do it. Like it’s where I go to get my fix. That used to be books.

The internet has been a boon, I could never deny that. I wouldn’t be able to talk to my family daily, share photos if it wasn’t for the internet. But, at this point I’m just overwhelmed and anxious.

For the longest time I was plain ignorant. If something didn’t affect me, I didn’t need to think about it. It’s an easy way to live. But you also live a shrouded life. And that’s fine if you want that. But it doesn’t work for me anymore.

Because it’s starting to affect me. The endless cycle of forwarding, sharing and non-stop refreshing of feeds feels like it’s going to consume the best parts of my life. Entire hours spent moving my thumb, acting like I’m doing something, when really I’m doing nothing. If you’re one of those people who use the internet wisely and in moderation, I wholeheartedly commend you. That is my goal now.

I’ve never written about this before. If you’ve been reading my work, it is usually more introspective and emotional. This is an outlier. But if I ignore how much this affects me, then that impacts my ability to sit with myself and think. Because I do that less and less now. Instead my phone is at arm’s reach. And millions of people, are posting things that I will find funny or cute. But so much of it isn’t real.

And it’s scary that it’s getting hard to tell what’s good and important versus what’s unnecessary and unhealthy. I see a video of an old man who makes content teaching young people about skills Dad’s traditionally taught them. Like jumping starting a car, checking your car’s oil, home construction tips. Which is amazing for someone who didn’t learn that from their parents. That is something I enjoy watching.

But I’m sure you don’t need me to list the vast amount of useless short form content that floods our lives daily. How do we separate it? I don’t know. And my current answer is just to back away from most of it. I don’t know how that will go. If there is something to write, I will write about it in the days to come.

My posts are often hopeful. So I will add this – I don’t think everything is lost. We used to be more aware of what we were doing. Or if we ever lost ourselves it was in places of nature or books or even the pursuit of a passion. I think that still exists. But we are so easily misled and blinded. It is now a conscious willful effort to step out and consider our actions and intentions online.

We must ask.

What is the purpose of this? Why are we doing this? Is it just because we want to or do we now need to?

Are screens our path to contentment and fulfillment? Are we lying to ourselves about how much it affects and controls our life?

Are we happy being swept away in it all because it is easy? It is effortless. It is muscle memory. Is it all we know? What would the alternative be?

I think taking control of every minute of every day would scare us. The possibilities would be limitless. And we have become sadly limited by what was meant to connect and further us all.

If I have made you stop and think, I am glad. I am stopping and thinking too.